Monday, October 19, 2015

Last year...

So, I wrote this sometime last year. Found it in my unpublished drafts. I think it needs to be here...

School this year is hard. I don't want to talk much about it. I closed my education blog for a reason. But, suffice it to say, this year has been really, really hard. It's the sort of year where you question what you do. Even the TV is full of news about teachers being vilified.

Then this morning, as I am getting ready for the day, bracing myself, I hear over my intercom... "Mrs. H., there is a M. J. here to see you?" I ran out of the room. I left a colleague in the middle of a conversation.

See, M was a student of mine last year. She was a foster with a horrific story. But she was also the sweetest child, who skipped when walked, twinkled when she looked right at you, and had the deepest laugh. I loved her. She left right before spring break and it was heart breaking. But she was going to an adoptive family. She bawled in my arms that last day. She had been with her forsters for several years and did not want to leave them, or her school, her friends and me.

I ran down the hall, through the double doors and into the crowd of kids that line the halls before the bell rings. There was M, and she was running too. Arms out, she cried"Mrs. Hagy!' and threw herself at me. We had just minutes, she and her sister were back with their fosters, the adoption fell through, little sister was reenrolling at my school and foster dad was taking her to Junior High. She said she begged her foster dad if she could come see me and he said to hurry. She said she missed me.

I told her to be good and come see me. I told her to work hard. It was so good to see her. One more hug and off she flew and I remembered....

I remembered that if you touch one life, give one child hope, then it is all worth it. M keeps overcoming the tough stuff.

Fall of 2015... Finally!

I'm enjoying my last day of Fall break by doing laundry, organizing my desk, watching dogs sleep, and not feeling bad at all about going into work. My classroom can wait while I take back my life.

I've been sick nearly the entire month and I'm  still waiting for my voice to come back. Maybe it never will. Maybe I will sound a bit like Demi Moore for the rest of my life. Worse things have happened.

During the worst of this illness (two infections and several antibiotics) I came to a decision. I need a retreat; figuratively and literally. This is the second year that I was not able to attend Quartz Mountain Fall Art Institute and I feel the void. I am not sure how to fill it just yet, but I am working on it. 

Also, social media is unsatisfying and unrealistic for my life. I shaved down my Facebook "friend" list to mainly just old friends, true friends, and family. When I post, only I can see it so it becomes a timeline for me to look back on. 

I've decided blogging here is best for me. I doubt I'll blog again on my teacher page and will probably deactivate it. I won't try to generate traffic here, because I really don't care if anyone, except my family, reads it or not.
Fall is trying to nudge its way into Oklahoma, but we are still experiencing 80+ degree days. It's coming though, I feel it. 

Tuesday, June 02, 2015


Hello you. It's been a long time hasn't it?

I'm not sure where to begin. How do you catch up after such a long break? I think I'll just make a list.

  • I'm still teaching. There are changes I will talk about later. 
  • Last year I taught 8th grade English and this year I taught 5th grade Reading, Writing, and Social Studies. It was quite a learning experience.
  • Artist girl graduated from high school and is in college majoring in Physics Engineering. She's waaaaay smarter than all of us put together.
  • Noodle, oh sweet noodle, she has been a challenged with an illness I will post about later. She is stronger than anyone I know. 
  • I still have RA but right now it is quiet, soothed with a shot steroids and calmed by a new biologic.
  • Man of the House (MOTH) is still doing what he does best. By that I mean making me laugh, making messes, and my life complete. 
  • Oklahoma is still shaking, spinning, flooding, and now beginning to heat up. 
  • The corgis sisters are a mess. 
  • Mr. Dumbles and Tater remain locked in an eternal battle for territory.
That's enough for now. I promise, I'll return. 

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Lies becoming truths...

I stopped telling myself I would blog more often because I could see right through me. ;)

But the other lies, from my last post, well, they are becoming truths.

My new medicine is working.

I booked the trip, went, and had a wonderful time!

I ran today, and yesterday, and last week. (Granted, I'm slow, but steady.)

My dogs get walked more regularly too.

I'm better than fine, it really isn't that bad (right now), and I will never, ever let it get me down... EVER!

My last flare, short and not bad at all, was in May. Since then I have been teetering so close to normal I can feel it. Like everything with my RA, the changes are gradual and subtle. The realization that the stiffness in the morning is gone comes to me in the doctor's office when she asks about it. I think and try to remember when it left. But I can't recall.

Looking back over the past two months I see the prominent position that RA plays is my life slipping away and something else has taken over. Something like "life"? I think so. I definitely think it is so.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Lies I tell myself...

* I'll blog more often.

* This new medicine will work.

* Sure, book that trip! I'll feel better in May.

* I will run today.

* I will walk the dogs today.

Lies I tell everyone else...

* I'm fine.

* It's not that bad.

* It doesn't get me down!

The truth? I lie to myself and to you every single day. I have to. If I didn't, then I would curl up in a fetal position in my bed and never get up. 

I tell myself every day that it won't hurt as much, and most of the time I am wrong. But I tell myself again the next day, and the next. 

I ignore the pain, the stiffness, and the fatigue, because if I didn't then I could not work, create, or dream. 

I ignore my hands and use them and push them and curse them.

I lie to everyone. I lie, lie, lie... And because I do, I am living and hoping and laughing and crying and believing that tomorrow might be different. 

Saturday, February 09, 2013

Snow Envy

The East is socked in and I am jealous. 

We had a blizzard a few years ago and I loved the brutal quiet and cold. 

I loved watching dogs cavort and try to clear two foot drifts with their stubby legs. 

I loved how it slowed everything down and doing nothing but watching snow, making soup, and curling up with cats was completely acceptable and anything else was frowned upon. 

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

New Year = New Commitment

I've been a terrible blogger this past year. Granted, the year pretty much sucked, but that is no excuse. You would have loved to have read all about the suckage, yes? Doubt it. 

So, a bit of a recap in photos and then a commitment to better blogging for 2013!

Mr. Dumbles started off the year by adopting this Christmas basket and making it is own space. We have left the basket out all year.

 Noodle spent most of the winter and all of the spring battling mono. She was one sick puppy!

The school year of 2011-2012 ended (my first at the Junior High) and I was ready for summer. It was a difficult year for so many reasons, but I was determined to hang in there and give it one more year.

Ah, sweet summer!

San Antonio trip and a summer party!

Noodle got Braces!!!

Back to school for the 2012 - 2013 year! The kids this year are soooo sweet!

I know, awful thing to spring on you, but I broke my toe in August, just after school started. Through the summer I had been running and training for a 5k. Then I tripped, in my bathroom, and it all came to a screeching halt. I haven't been able to run since. My RA seems to have been able to scout out the vulnerable toe and settle there once it healed. 

Older daughter has to have a theme for her art portfolio this year. She's chosen her incredible steampunk/mechanical pets.

I taught the novel "Anne Frank:Diary of a Young Girl" for the first time this year. It was powerful. I learned so much from my kids and we learned a lot from the book and each other. 

The last week of school before the break was surreal and sad because of the tragedy of Sandy Hook. My kids made cards and I mailed the to Connecticut. 

Not to be ever left out, Chloe and Zoe were festive and merry throughout the holidays.

Since October, my RA has been relentless. Some days are ok, others are hard, really hard. I think this month my doctor and I will look at other options. 

As I said, I am committing to being a more consistant blogger.  I hope you stick with me through this next year. 

Saturday, November 03, 2012

Fire and Ice

My life changed, just a bit more, this weekend. I look forward every year to my four days at the Oklahoma Arts Institute. I haven't felt well. I hurt, and I ache, and I am tired. The fatigue that comes with an autoimmune disorder is impossible to explain. Thursday I left for Quartz Mountain and yesterday I came home. 

It was too hard.

The mind games I had to play with myself were exhausting me to the point of tears. The pep-talks in the mirror became hollow. 

I couldn't keep it up and I left. 

The fires in my joints slowly burn and smolder. In the morning, the fires are cold, the pain is like ice, dry and as hard as diamonds. I feel like I crack as I try to move.